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Tuesday, 21 April 2009

bittersweet beginnings and such

It is amazing how much can change in 1.5 years. In my epic search for myself and love, I cannot say I have been entirely successful. Perhaps I really am perpetually getting in my own way and over thinking things.
Rob and I have been through so much that it is hard to know where to start. Or even where/if it has ended. How can I go from so-in-love to so... not? It is quite disheartening to know that we put in so much time, effort & resources to end with nothing. I suppose it comes with being young and terribly naive. I can honestly say that I have never loved another as much as I loved him. With each relationship, I have learned to open up more, and each time, the heartbreak intensifies and lingers longer. No one can say that we did not try. Oh boy, did we try. But the distance was just too much for me. Life is for the experiences right? It seems that with each passing relationship's aftermath, I have taken more and more out of character risks. Sure we are only young once, but I cannot recall a time when I hated myself more. I have always tried to live without regrets, but it seems that heartbreak has clouded my judgment. I come out hurt and looking for something... love, validation, anything to prove to myself that I am still desirable and it was not all my fault. Forget being noble and trying to be the better person, all I seemed to care about are my impulses and the present.
I used to obsess over the future, until all the uncertainties drove me crazy and my anxiety manifested itself in a physical form. I was so intent on not experiencing that again that I went in the total opposite direction. I have essentially embodied the traits I despised most; I have become a judgmental person that revels in instant gratification. I have questionable self-control and I have lost my sense of self. I have been consumed by the relationship and picked up his habits of not caring about public image and reputation. But I am trying to learn from this. It sounds as though I am blaming him... And I guess I am. Sure, I was not the best girlfriend... grumpy, difficulty communicating, but I tried pretty damn hard. And I had never even considered us not being together until he suggested it. I did not want it to be like this, but now that it is done, can we ever go back? The hopeless romantic in me wants to believe that it is possible. The realist says it is foolish to hold onto the past. After all, everyone says that we are young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, it was stupid for us to try, and they saw this coming. Despite other people though, we were able to hold on. It was by my own expectations and his blind sightedness that we failed. I had been pulling away for a while I suppose, and deep down, he could feel it. But we both approached the situation disastrously. I wanted to be left alone, to withdraw into myself and salvage what was left of me, and he accused me of... well, everything. And we did not realize it until it was too late. I had grown tired of it all—the waiting, the arguments, his expectations, my failure to meet them and vice versa. Maybe in another time, we could have had a chance. But at the end of it all, I felt like I was holding on for dear life, as if our relationship was my saving grace and validation that I was not a quitter/failure. The whole time, I felt like I had something to prove because of a mistake I had made earlier on. I put the relationship before myself. Needless to say, that was epic fail. I feel like the subject has been talked to death and that there is nothing left to say. In a perfect world, he would come home and say all the right things and the pieces would just fall into place. But there is no such thing as a perfect world, or saying all the right things. Ultimately, it was all the things left unsaid and overlooked that tore us apart, and I just could not do it anymore. Still, it never ceases to amaze me how I move on. It is disturbing really. How could something so real be tossed aside so quickly? My guess is that I have given up due to the current circumstances/situation. Maybe in time, things will again evolve into a romantic relationship. Maybe we will never regain what we once had. And if that is the case, then it is just something we both have to live with.
In the meantime though, I will not be sitting on the sidelines and just chilling. Instead I will be trying to remedy the aftermath of my drunken escapades. Never would I have imagined my 21st birthday the way it played out. Honestly, I am quite disgusted with myself. I acted completely out of character. It will take a lot more than the 2 week recovery time my face needed for me to get over and "fix" everything. I am not even sure what I am looking for anymore, which may be a good thing. If I do not know what I want, then I cannot actively look and discriminate and I would have to go with the flow. Something I am still trying to get the hang of. I have always had a master plan, a goal, a plan of attack. This time, I just really want to get to know him and see where things go. Hopefully he won't become another name on the now-epic list and a few sweet memories. He seems to have all of his cards in order, ready to play his hand, while I am, as per usual, half-assing my way through. Maybe he can teach me a thing or two about life. And hopefully I won't be too proud to learn from him. And hopefully he can trust me to keep David in my past. As romantic as it would be for David to come home to my open and waiting arms, I know that it is nothing wishful thinking/hoping that all those years of pining away were not in vain. I would much rather pursue a real relationship and be with someone who is not so self-deprecating and cynical, someone who can help me see the happier side of life instead of depending on me to be that constant ray of sunshine (which I am obviously not), someone who can give support and a sense of direction. It isn't all about the history; it's about being able to have a future. Basically, I need someone to save me... from me. Not the other way around. As independent and strong as I may seem, I have an unimaginable plethora of faults… layers of them… like an ogre/onion. I am quite literally, figuratively all over the place. But for once in my life, I feel secure despite all the uncertainties. Even if he cannot promise me forever, I am not afraid to try. I am well aware that there is no such thing as a sure thing, there are no guarantees in life, and that has never stopped me.
- 4:58 PM
- 28 Views

Monday, 09 March 2009

Morning Madness

Although Monday isn't quite over yet, I would have to say that I've been pleasantly surprised by how well it's turning out. Despite my sleeplessness and lack of studying over the weekend, I managed to roll out of bed on time, which is quite the feat considering I can't roll out of bed even when I do get enough sleep. The weather is quite dismal and I thought was was going to set the tone for the rest of my day. How can we go from that awesome 50-ish weather over the weekend to North Pole on Monday? I even seriously considered skipping my first class, but I decided to man-up! I then proceeded to cram for my Japanese Architecture midterm. I've probably been to 70% of the lectures and I don't bother to borrow people's notes, so there was a bit of information lacking in my noggin. But 20 minutes worth of intense wiki-ing did the trick. I got dressed and trudged on over to the T... Despite making it out of bed, I almost didn't make it on the train. I hate when there's a huge amount of space in the middle, but everyone is clustered around the doors so no one can get on. But being the tiny asian I am, I managed to squeeze in. Then comes a not-so-tiny asian man that booty bumps us even closer together. I think I felt someone up, but it was an accident. I swear. All drama aside, I made it to school in one piece, sanity in tact. Lately I've been trying to replace my morning Starbucks with something cheaper, in this case, Lemon Iced Tea from the vending machines. Yommm. I lucked out today because some poor soul paid for their drink but the conveyor belt didn't deliver it to the slot thinger where you pull it out. So I bought my own and got two! Nevermind that the free one is diet and it has a weird aftertaste, it was free! That certainly made my econ class easier to handle, even though I ended up nodding out halfway through. It's the first time I've done that this semester, so it's not too bad... Considering I blantantly slept through my Greek mythology class. I sat in the first row and always had my head propped up on my fist, hair covering my eyes, crossword/sudoku in front of me instead of notes. Yes, I despise school that much. I mean, I enjoy learning, but getting up in the morning, going to school, not being able to work as much because of class/homework, that part I don't enjoy so much... Not that I have a job to worry about right now, but that's just a bit beside the point. After econ, it was off to my midterm! I also got another pleasant surprise today when my friend txtd me and informed me that our last class was cancelled. I totally forgot that that professor lives in New Hampshire and needs to drive down from there, and that we're supposed to email her to see if we get a class-is-cancelled automated response. Oh happy day. I beasted the midterm and pulled little factoids out of the air. It's kind of sad that I don't aspire for those straight A's anymore, and that I'm content with just passing. Or maybe it's the subject matter. As far as art goes, I'd much rather make something than sit through a class about architecture.
Anywho, now I'm home! And I desperately need to shower. Surprisingly, I actually feel like cooking today. Darn this jollymoodness. I still need to study for another exam tomorrow and paint. I'll probably be too pooped out from cooking to do any of that, but we shall see.
- 12:16 PM
- 29 Views

Friday, 27 February 2009

For the first time in almost two years, I ventured over to my "thinking spot" in the Boston Garden. It was in this very spot, overlooking the presently empty and frozen pond, that I met a certain someone who would be the first to break my heart. It's no big, I mean, such things are bound to happen sooner or later. And I'm glad to say that after the betrayal, mind games and tragedy, I emerged a stronger and more accepting person, still willing to trust. That was nearly six years ago.
I sat there for nearly an hour, trying to remember... well, who I was. Back in my mid-teenage years, I swear I had my head up my ass. I felt like I was invincible and pretty darn awesome. That was before I started considering the seriousness of commitment, and what it required. I never had good relationship role models growing up. Even now, I tend to see relationships as uneven, that one person will always take more than they give. Trying to find a good balance between give and take has been quite the battle. I think it's because I assume that everyone tries to strive for that balance, and I end up getting taken advantage of. When I like/love someone, I tend to just do everything I can for them, occasionally sacrificing even my own wants and needs. I don't expect the same over-the-topness in return, but there is a bare minimum. At some point, I look back and I wonder "what has he done for me?" I always feel guilty thinking about it. But when things aren't so peachy keen anymore, I reflect and see that I've been trying to be the perfect girlfriend. Loving makes me happy.

Keri Hilson - Energy
- 1:56 PM
- 12 Views

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

All is well...

for the most part anyway. I have been surfing blogs like no other, mostly because of how easy Google Reader makes it, but also because I have been searching for inspiration. There is a craftiness overload in my head. Since I've been sick/depressed/avoiding the world (whichever you prefer to believe) this past week or so, I took the opportunity to create a plan of attack on my procrastinating ways. With only a year or so left of school, I need to start organizing more, plan what I want to do after I graduate, how to go about doing my own business thinger if I end up going down that path... There's just a million and one things to think about.

I also need to find a job, not that I need anyone reminding me (please don't, especially if you value your life). I don't know why it irks me so much when I am told to do things. Occasionally, even "friendly reminders" rub me the wrong way. And more often than not, the more I am reminded about something, the longer I purposely put it off. I find this completely ridiculous. Then again, I guess with my own twisted thought process, it makes sense. I hate being told to do things, and if someone constantly reminds me, then it's as if I were doing it only because I was told to. It diminishes the thoughtfulness/meaning of the whole activity, whatever it may be. For example, in grade school, chores were a burden because my mom would tell me to wash the dishes every 5 minutes, or something to that effect. Doing something just because you have to sucks. Nowadays, when I go home, I occasionally end up doing the dishes, just because I feel like it. My sister gets a night off from dish duty, I get to feel helpful, the world is a happy place.

Speaking of dishwashing and cooking, I don't know how to use a dishwasher. Never in my life have I ever attempted to do so. I remember that I accidentally turned ours on and it was quite the disaster. Why? Because in quite a few Asian households, dishwashers = tupperware storage. Therefore, all of our dishwashing was done manually. If I had someone show me though, I wouldn't feel so awkward going about it. It's frustrating someone tries to be helpful but doesn't do things the "right" (read: your) way, and you end up redoing it yourself. That's the rationality I see behind my fear of dishwashing intrusions. This also extends to cooking. R complains that I never cook for him, but I feel awkward rifling through someone else's kitchen. It's one thing if it's your friend's kitchen, it's a completely different one if it's their parent's kitchen. I'd feel like a snoop trying to find things on my own, and a bother if I had to ask where everything was. If we were at my house though, I'd have no issues with (trying) to cook. I'm a pretty bad chef, and even more lazy at my attempts. Trying to change that up a bit though, a few weeks ago, I attempted a simple tuna casserole recipe, and it came out pretty well! So I've been saving up other simple recipes for later. And now... this shall be cut short. Because I've been procrastinating all weekend and must attempt to wake up early to finish my chinese homework before class.

I leave you with this:
- 12:39 AM
- 37 Views

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Why do I always feel inadequate, that who I am, what I do, is never enough? I have tried so hard to change, to make myself a better person, someone worthy of loving. Sometimes I change for myself, because I feel that if I did change in such a way, I could be a better person in general, and that I would be happier. I change, I bend over backwards, I wait. I am always waiting--for the right moment, for you to come back, for someone to see that I am worth it, worth a sacrifice, your time, your energy, your love. I sacrifice my youth and my sanity. I sit at home, and I wait. Why? Because I might forget myself if I go out there, I might ruin all we have worked for. But you go and lead your life as you see fit, as usual. Maybe it is this way, because I know how I am, I seize opportunities, I am in the moment. I am afraid I might do things I will regret. I am afraid of messing this up. Yes, my advice for others is that you have to pick up the pieces and move on. I have done it several times myself, sometimes turning out for the better, sometimes worse. But given the choice, I would not want to screw it up with a silly mistake, with an impulse. I can say that each time, I feel less and less sure about myself. Like I somehow deserve to be jilted because I am not good enough, not yet. I tend to ask, no one in particular, how much better can I be? I know now that, I must be happy with myself, who I am, what I do. It is not enough to love someone. You have to love who they are, deep down, their very souls. Their strengths and weaknesses, their failures and misgivings. I have a big heart, but I hold it out with shaking hands. I have learned to hide my weaknesses, my fears, my pains. Somedays, they weigh more than others. i wonder if I could ever share myself wholly. If they could take the good with the bad, without asking me to change anything. Without telling me that, something I am doing is not enough. I am not open enough, I am too open, I talk too much about myself, I talk too little about life, I am easily entertained, I am serious, I fall easily, I break easily, I laugh too much, I cry too much, I hope for too much, I expect too much, I accept too much, I give too much, I do not give enough, I am confident, but I falter often, I rely too much, I am too independent, I contradict myself, I make excuses, I tell the truth, I tell white lies, I need you, I do not need you, I love myself, but not as much as I want to. I confuse even myself, I do not really know what I want, or if I will recognize it when I see it. I accept my environment fairly easily, I believe misfortunes and hardships a condition of life. But I pride myself on the company I keep, the people I choose to love. Remember that, I chose you. I am waiting here for you. I do not ask you to be less brash, to tone down your jokes, to love me more, to buy me things, to be nicer, to be more patient, to be less stubborn. You chose me as well, you chose all of this, there is no pick and choose, the whole package or nothing. Do not tell me to talk more, to be more polite, to be less awkward, less embarrassing, more diligent, to be prettier, skinnier, more trendy. To be honest, every day is a struggle. A battle between who I am and who I want to be. But I have an old soul, my mindset is elsewhere. After a certain point in one's struggles, you learn to do things that make you happy. But now, I do not even know what happy is anymore. I think we are happy. Us, it makes me happy. But when you say... that it is not working out, I don't quite know what to do with myself. Am I not enough? Or are you expecting too much. I don't really know what I want anymore, I wonder if we are right for each other, or if we are right, but the timing isn't. I suppose this is why people say we ought to just live our lives, to explore, to find ourselves. Is this not working in your eyes because I have not found myself? Or are you the one that is lost, and I am too far ahead? I fall and I pick myself up, that is how it has always been. I need you, but I don't need you. I want you, here. But would things be different? Or would we continue to grow apart? I feel as if I am drifting now, because I do not sit at home alone, holding onto all of our happy memories, and planning the creation of new ones. But are you the one that let go first? After all, we must live our own lives, and be happy with ourselves. A relationship is a merging of two lives, not one being consumed by the other. In this case, I am at fault. I started off one way, and now I am trying to change it, to make myself happier, to not sit at home alone and wish things were different. I am sad, all the time. When you are not here, and even when you are, because I know you will be leaving soon. Quite frankly, I don't know what to do. But if you tell me, that this isn't working out for you, one more time... I will not be able to take it. You will see what you see, and say that I am the one that is letting this all go, that I do not care anymore, but you have to realize, that I see the same thing, that you are at fault, that you cannot accept that even though you make time, I will not always be able to be there. I have tried my best to accept this from you, that you cannot always be there, and I tell you to have a good time, call me when you can, and we will find time. Because we love each other, and there will always be time. But we live in two different worlds, I cannot expect you to always be there, and you cannot expect that from me either. So do not blame me when things do not work out as planned, we are in this together. Any problems we face must be dealt with as such, it is our problem, that we must work through together. It is neither one of our faults, it is a challenge, a condition of life, a condition of our current state, of our choice to be in this together. Remember, you chose this, you do it because you want to. But I must reiterate, if you say that this is not working out for you, I will not stand for it. Because this arrangement does not work for me either, but I do the best I can. I cannot really live like this, I am idling away, just waiting. Why bother at all you say, if this is how I really feel, well... love is not always rational. It is crazy, inconvenient, and worth it in the end--but only if you make it so.
- 9:33 PM
- 20 Views

Thursday, 06 March 2008

I don't know why it's so hard for me to write now. I have plenty of thoughts in my head throughout the day that could be worth sharing, but when I get to a computer or to my journal, words just escape me.
School isn't that hard this semester. Not that it's easy, I still have to work hard for my grades, but it's nothing close to high school junior year, I'm about to fail everything overwhelming. I hate when he says that my school is too easy for me. I was financially dumped and guilt tripped to be here, and I resented it at first. I'll admit that I am a bit afraid of going to a more prestigious institution and failing miserably, but I'm more put off by the financial aspects, the time I'll have to put into transferring, and being overwhelmed by that whole process. It's a complete killjoy when you get a good grade, and the feedback is "That's good, but your school is so easy." I get enough of that, "what? not a 100?" stuff from my parents. But despite my winterdepressiveness, I still manage to make it to class. Mentioning these things seems redundant for most, but making it to school and doing well is a big deal for me, considering I wanted to drop out and everything; just caring about how well I do in school is an amazing improvement from where I was last year.
I was also laid off from the QA department last week. Even though I wanted to quit, I think I will miss that job. Well, not the job, but the money I made from it. I'm super grateful that now I don't have to have such a hectic schedule, no more "straight to work after school until 8:00PM and home for homework until I pass out" days. But I haven't been able to celebrate much because of having to clean my apartment for an inspection. That's a big headache on it's own. The building manager and inspector didn't get to us as scheduled on Tuesday, so we had to give them a key. That key is now available for copying to whoever who wants it. It also means that they can come into our apartment whenever they want... meaning they can be here to search our stuff when we're not here. Kind of screwy in my opinion. I just hope I don't have to be in the same room as them any time soon, because I will yell like the pissed off rebellious teenager I am. Talk about invasion of privacy, government schmovernment.
Speaking of being a teenager, I'm only going to fall under that category for another month. I can remember exactly what I felt like a year ago. I was a whole mess of emotions, desperately trying to fill the void with something of value. Waking up was hard to do, being home felt like torture and school even moreso. All I wanted to do was run to a place where I could feel the love (I thought/felt) I was denied to recuperate, to be with people who cared and loved me the way I was. I was able to find a bit of that and then some. But things don't always work out the way we plan. That's not always a bad thing though, I managed to gain a support system, a great group of friends that I can count on. Sometimes I just wish I could be a better friend. I say I try, but I always feel like I can do better. It feels wrong for me to provide advice, encouragement and support when I can't even follow my own advice. It's hard to be truly happy and content when my heart is so far away. I feel incompleteee. Sigh.
- 2:21 AM
- 18 Views

Thursday, 21 February 2008

It's been a really long time since I've written. I wish I could share my days like I used to, but it seems so redundant now, haha. I was reading/deleting all my old posts... and I just realized that I was hella ditzy. Or at least it sounded that way. There was a lot of griping about the day-to-day business. That much hasn't changed--my adventures are a bit less elaborate though. All I do now is school, work & trying to fit friends in so I don't go nuts. It's hard though, when school goes by so slowly. It wouldn't be so hard if I didn't have to work... Or rather, if I didn't have such an odd job. I didn't realize before how much incompetence, a lack of communication skills and experienced foresight can effect productivity. Validating data 3-times only to have it deleted the next day... is just not acceptable. Sure, I'm getting paid, but at the same time, my eyesight is getting worse and I'm killing braincells with the monotony.
I wonder if you know how hard it is to sit here and watch you. I miss you so much. Sometimes I feel like the things I do during the day are just to fill the void until the next time I get to talk to you. Not that I depend on you--it's just that you're the highlight of my day [: Actually, I do depend on you quite a bit. Not only are you my boyfriend, you're my best friend. Getting to talk to you, even if it's only about our day or some retarded stuff, cheers me up; hearing your voice cheers me up. I hate hanging up with you and X-ing out of our cam window, I need that connecting, especially with you being so far away, and so busy all the time. Knowing that you make the effort to take time out for me makes me so happy, even if it is for 5-minutes. It makes me sad to know that you think about your past though, and that you're afraid of it, but I try my best to be supportive. Whenever I think about all the people I've known, it makes me appreciate you more--there is nothing anyone can say or do to change my feelings about you.
- 4:23 AM
- 12 Views